The way of love is not a subtle argument,
the door there is devastation.
Birds make great sky circles of their freedom,
how do they do it?
they are given wings.
Greetings, dear ones.
I wrote this piece for you and for me. I genuinely hope that brings you some inspiration, beauty and love.
Please take some time, if you wish, to relax, drink some tea or put some music on while you read.
I finally landed in Peru after five years.
I live in a little family hotel that will be my home in the following weeks. I can’t express my gratitude for the Andes’ magnificence, power, beauty and magic. I came here to do a pivotal piece of inner and spiritual work related to my mother’s death and alchemise the wound of abandonment and the orphan archetype.
I discovered recently that the WHO defines as orphans people who lost their mother during childhood.
Funnily enough, as a lovely family runs the hotel where I am staying, I feel protected and safe, and I got a homey feeling. And they are taking such good care of me and feeding me nourishing food that I also feel as if they adopted me!
I am reading a book about daughters without mothers. It says that some alchemists would describe an orphan stone as a philosopher’s stone.
It is always possible to transform grief, anger and pain into something else.
We can create something beautiful from a terrible loss. And we can raise from our ashes like a phoenix.
Life grows from compost.
Lotus flowers bloom in the mud.
I always remember experiencing a deep sense of excruciating loneliness that I could not explain. It was like a hole in my chest, and nothing could fill it. Sometimes, I sensed this void as a desolate and barren landscape inside me, and nothing could comfort me or hold me. There was no life or hope there.
At times, I felt as if I was free-falling, and there was nothing under me to catch me. I often had the experience of floating in a gigantic cosmo with no roots or direction.
I was starved for love and acceptance, and I often accepted crumbs, like a hungry animal, from people who could not love me.
I looked for my mother everywhere: in the eyes of addicts and thieves whom I wanted to save, in the raging hands of lovers who hit me, in ecstatic experiences with drugs. I searched for my mother’s love in the sweetness of giant cakes that I ingurgitated, at the bottom of whiskey bottles, in teachers whom I put on a pedestal, in the kind words of a stranger.
I have been a victim, a rescuer and a persecutor.
Today, I am grateful for the images that came through my body. It was often very uncomfortable to be present with these feelings and be them on purpose, allowing the fire of initiation to cook me. These pictures and qualities helped me to know myself better and the places where I got stuck, unloving or lost. They enhanced my imagination so that I could create new metaphors while playing with my physical sensations and visceral feelings.
We can water the desert with our tears.
Falling can become flying.
We can plant flowers and tend gently to their roots.
We can be the guardians of our imagination and our sacred inner garden.
We can light a candle in the dark.
There is always a story to tell.
When somebody loses a mother (or a parent and/or a sibling) during early childhood, they have a true hero’s and heroine’s journey ahead. It may take a long time to bring balm to deep wounds. This can also happen when a parent is emotionally absent, depressed or an addict. When a parent dies or gives up living fully, children may follow those footprints and feel as if they are not entirely here, or they may sense a part of them that wants to die or cannot fit into this world. They can also become sick at the same age as their parent died. That happened to me; I had cancer at the same age when my mother died.
These dramatic circumstances in people’s lives can often become the root of various types of addiction.
Furthermore, as humans severed the organic connection with the natural world, the conditions and patterns above may also be known to people with a more harmonious upbringing.
We all need to re-create and honour our relationship with our Cosmic Mother.
In industrialised countries’ individualist and narcissistic views, we think thateverything revolves around personal feelings and experiences. We forget that we are embedded in the broader Web of Life upon which our existence depends.
I love the concept of Ainy in the Andes: it refers to reciprocity and mutuality. Everything is connected; we cannot take more than we give.
The more we take care of the Earth and love Her, the more she heals us. The more we care for our bodies lovingly, the more we can enhance our sensitivity and relationship with all life. We are our relations.
The Andes are where I can feel in my body, bones and cells that the Earth is my mother and I belong to the Web of Life. I always felt so loved and welcomed here. I remember walking here many years ago and imagining that I was a toddler learning to walk. Here, I also learned to fly, feel lighter and trust benevolent forces around me.
In the last few weeks, I spoke to many courageous women navigating the challenges of midlife. Some are caring for an ageing parent or their children.
Some are struggling with a chronic illness. Others are coming to terms that they will not become mothers in this lifetime. Many put on hold their dreams for too long. They want to come of out the shadow and shine their light.
Most of them need to slow down, stop the addiction of being busy and face unresolved core issues. They need to spend time with themselves and listen carefully to their soul whispering.
These women know that there is a lot at stake if they don’t do it and don’t get out of the way of their own transformative process. Some told me explicitly that it is a matter of life and death. They must take care of themselves.
They all told me they want to be seen, validated, supported, and break free from old patterns! Not only that. They also said they wanted to feel a sense of togetherness and share their experience with midlife.
Most importantly, they told me that they know a lot of tricks to distract themselves:
– take care of their partner
– be busy with another course
– numb uncomfortable feelings with food, tobacco, alcohol and a good dose of Netflix
– be kind to anyone, pets included, but not to themselves!
We all know this game, right? Long term, it can become significantly detrimental to our health. Therefore, all this needs to stop!
Obviously, all the above survival strategies came to Life in the first place in our Life for an excellent reason. These patterns that dissociated us from our bodies and deeper feelings protected us, especially when we were children.
It is time to give ourselves that best juicy slice of the pie with no regret, guilt or shame!
I imagine that you may resonate with many things you read here today 🙂
To conclude this article, I would like to propose a little practice.
I invite you to go somewhere you love and revere as sacred, close to a river, the sea, a forest, a mountain or a meadow.
Ask for permission to enter the space.
Take some time to pause and listen.
Make sure that you can be undisturbed and you feel safe.
Allow your senses to open and up and expand.
Once you feel ready, open up your heart to this landscape.
Talk to the land.
Feel the support underneath you.
Connect to Mother Earth.
Unleash your imagination with no censorship.
Share your anguish, worries, losses, despair, and fears with Her.
Tell Her about your dreams, hopes, joy, visions, prayers and passions.
Do not rush this process. If the mind gets loud, take a big breath, give thanks and refocus gently on your conversation with the Web of Life. There is no right, no wrong here.
Give yourself permission to receive answers, insights, and images.
How can you relate to the life forms around you?
What is the land mirroring back to you?
How can you breathe in some comfort and delight?
What can you offer as a sign of gratitude?
Which story do you want to tell?
Thank you for taking the time to read this long piece.
Feel free to let me know how it lands.
I wish you all a good day.
May you follow your heart and dreams and spread your wings while rooted.
With love and gratitude,